July 20th

7/20/24

It says fuck everywhere in New York. On tourist shirts, in subway walls. When I was around 6 and still had a two-parent family, for some reason we went to a diner after a party. At this party, the older kids were trying to get me to say fuck by asking me to recite words that rhyme with “luck.” “Duck?” I played dumb. I eventually said it and they all acted like I committed cardinal sin. Everyone knew what was going on, and yet we acted.

At dinner I acted more. I wrote out “fuck” with a crayon on the menu as if to ask, "ma, this… word… what does it mean?" My mom looked across the table at a man it feels strange to call my father now with a look that said “see, told you that family was horrible.” I say fuck all the time now.

On a phone call with a friend, a very old friend, my first friend in middle school, my first roommate in college, I told this friend everything I liked about her. I never had the guts to do it before, to tell her I think about her all the time and that I wish I had her candor. I think about the time we were camping and she told someone to keep the noise down cause people are trying to sleep. The other night I channeled her and told my roommates to turn the TV down (if they wouldn’t mind!) because I was trying to sleep. They took it completely fine.

I had Georgian food for the first time with an acquaintance from my hometown. She said “you’ve always said that” four times in the conversation and I never asked her what that means.

I shower my mother with love now. I tell her I miss and love her. Before, I just did this stuff. I never said it.

My esthetician from Nepal told me how she lost 85k to two men in the past 12 years. We both agreed that women are attention whores. That's all we want. I told her she’s great at her job, looks 31, is pretty, and is visiting Kathmandu at the end of August anyway. Her credit score dropped 300 points because of them. I told her to enjoy Nepal in the venmo memo.

I saw a father and a daughter on the train and tried to gauge the quality of their relationship. Was she… happy? Was she okay? Is he gonna hold her hand?

My right contact lens fell off in the middle of Central Park. A bike hit a runner and the runner called him a motherfucker and outran him to kind of... punch him on shoulder and start recording him. Some other guy called the runner a pussy. I stood with some elder men to discuss. I couldn't see with my right eye.

I got to work the other day only to find that my monitor is missing. Javed, the best dude from IT, looked at my empty desk and screamed “piss on me!”

My nail lady, Sara, asked if I had Hispanic friends, and when I said no, she said she’ll be my first.

I walked from 86th to 42nd and to the subway without tech navigation. I’m training. I learned that there are two Le Botaniste’s in New York. Or are there more? I googled it. There's one more.