22 things learned at (almost) 22

3/26/24

I don’t like how formal this layout is. Sometimes I just want to throw out a casual short thing like this is gonna be. It’s 3:21 am and I was thinking about life a bit.

I'm turning 22 soon. Maybe this is a letter to me in a year or to my future kids - doesn’t matter.

A few things I learned at (almost) 22:

1. You only remember the good as time goes on. The shitty is really big when one goes through the shitty, but as time goes by, everything on the periphery that was good - or wonderful without you realizing - stands out. I now have to struggle to remember the shitty, but the random good that I didn’t pay attention to passes my mind while I’m driving or cooking or something.

2. There’s no practical function to being cruel to yourself. Negative self-talk, self hatred, at a certain point is useless. I say at a certain point because anxiety’s been the main motivator in life for me, but there’s a point where I listen to my inner monologue and it’s so ridiculous that I need to tell it to shut up.

3. Failure's good and inevitable. Sucks but you'll learn from it.

4. Pay attention to the feelings people leave you with. When you’re done meeting them, how do you feel? If it’s light and airy and bouncy and full of glee and hope, that’s something to note down. If it’s weighed down, anxious, pathetic, sad, angry, whatever, that’s also something to note down. We’re all energy, we transfer our inner states to other people. We all can pick up on what another person’s inner state is like. My thing in life generally has been to not be around people who weigh me down, cause I do enough of that to myself.

5. That being said, your inner state will be reflected outward. It’s up to you what you want the inner state to look like. But filling oneself with happy feelings is generally a good strategy. When I was 9 or 10 in Delhi and would get ready every misty morning to head to school, my breakfast would be toast toasted on a pan in butter. Not butter slathered on toast - no. Amul butter on a hot pan, toast on top. Both sides. And then kissan mixed fruit jam on it. Heavenly, delightful, unhealthy. That toast and my Nani’s house and my ironed school uniform is a happy thought. Also last summer I stayed at a Bhakti center hostel in the middle of Manhattan and the manager would give me fruit (he called it prasad) whenever he saw me. He gave me a shirt when I left and greets me on holidays on WhatsApp. I think about him a lot. Gratitude helps too.

6. Lasting happiness only comes by doing hard, uncomfortable, and boring things. Instant gratification usually makes me happy for 2 minutes and then I feel like shit.

7. I’ve embarrassed myself a number of times when I’ve acted on my heart telling me to do something. But I think - and I can’t prove this - it might be the stuff of life. So say your sorries when you hurt someone and go tell the person you like that you like them even when you know it’s a no because when the pain or awkwardness of it subsides, you’ll sleep better knowing you did it.

8. Nothing you achieve or gain in life will make you happy - no milestone, no person, no material gain, nothing.

9. Life’s more about experiencing than analyzing or intellectualizing the experience. If it’s pain, it’s pain. If it’s joy, it’s joy. Sure, analyze a bit. But not so much that you walk into a mental spiral trying to fix yourself.

10. Keep expectations low.

11. Strength training and protein are so great. Don’t starve yourself like I did and only do cardio - it got me nowhere. I gained the weight right back and lost a lot of hair and my period (cause hair growth and reproduction aren't priorities when your body is on red alert about survival). Plus you perform better at cardio after strength training. And don’t overdo it! Rest for better growth and to avoid burn out.

12. No one is looking at you, no one cares. And even if they are, they'll forget about it. Get over yourself.

13. Keep making stuff. Even if you think it's shit. It's not about perfection. See Ira Glass's the gap.

14. Health is as mental as it is physical. Love and friendship are great healers. So give around you.

15. Get off your phone! I’ve considered just buying a flip phone at this point but then I won’t have google maps or Apple Pay.

16. It’s never too late to do something. I had a colleague once tell me a story about how he wanted to get into soccer when he was in his late twenties or early thirties. So he hired a private coach while teaching at a middle school in Manhattan and just got to work. Now he plays competitively. Insane and inspiring.

17. Waking up early makes the day bigger.

18. Dostoevsky quote: “As a general rule, people, even the wicked, are much more naive and simple-hearted than we supposed. And we ourselves are, too.” Applies the next time you’re being hard on someone or yourself. You’ll find that if you were in their situation you’d probably do the same. And if you were in your situation again, you’d probably do the same.

19. Don’t explain yourself to anyone. And don’t complain. Or nag. Most of your thoughts and some of your feelings are illusions anyway.

20. Rather than trying to be society’s ideal as you age, try leaning into who you are at the core. There’s the whole “be the best version of yourself” thing. I’ve found that trying to be the most you version of yourself is more rewarding. Our purpose is to evolve and hopefully as n reaches infinity, we converge to a truer version of us. And then of course we die.

21. Being like water is ironically more powerful than trying to control everything around you.

22. Self-belief and self-respect are created. Letting yourself down is more harmful than letting anyone else down.

There's more. But this is it for tonight. I might read this in a year and think I was naive and insane. Who knows. Life's about iterating!